I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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