Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
