In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
