I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
