Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
