I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
