Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
