did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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