Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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