Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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