I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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