I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
