People with herpes should wear stickers.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
