My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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