I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
