During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
