if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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