Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Randomize
