Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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