before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
