I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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