I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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