96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
