Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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