I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
