I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
