Just fell off a train. Bad.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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