I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
