I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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