He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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