Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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