Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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