He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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