Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
