I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
