My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
