I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
