I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
