All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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