Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
