i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
