I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
