I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
