Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
