dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
soo... how was my night?
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