Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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