He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I need to stop coming to work sober
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
