I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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