She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You ruined the universe
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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