WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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