I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He's on the porch naked. Help.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
