I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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