The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
