Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
