So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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