i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
