Just fell off a train. Bad.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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