I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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