Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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