I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
