I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
How's work?
Spinning.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
