Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I looked at my own cervix.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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