i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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