Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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