Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize