Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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